It’s been a strange feeling this past month. Usually I’m very excited about October. I’ve been feeling anxious, a sense of ‘the calm before the storm’ type of energy. I think it has mainly to do with my upcoming doctor’s appointment.

My last appointment was in the beginning of the month and it’s been hard not to think about what was said. Surgery is going to happen and it’s scheduled in November. It would have been sooner but due to the type of insurance I have, it might take long to get an approval so they decided to postpone it until the following month. Well, for once the insurance didn’t take so long and authorized my next appointment and surgery. I called the clinic to see if it’s possible to get an earlier appointment and surgery date. No luck so I’m stuck with my original dates.

Since I’m not in pain, I’m okay with it. It’s the waiting that sucks. Four days till the end of October. A part of me wants to get it over with but then I start feeling scared. Surgery is scary. There is the possibility that they might remove my uterus if the fibroids are difficult to take out. I can’t seem to process that though. I don’t know if I’m okay if that happens or not.

I have two wonderful kids and they are my life. When I was younger, I made a promise to myself on never having kids. I won’t go into details right now but that was my mentality back then. Fast forward, my kid’s very existence brings meaning to mine. I love them unconditionally and the fact that I had the chance to give birth to them is amazing and it’s strange to think that if my uterus is removed, I won’t ever have that experience again. Right now it’s my choice not to have children but what if I do want another child in a few years. It’s an odd feeling. Maybe I’m overthinking it but it’s still scary. I don’t want that choice taken from me but if it is, I won’t be mad, I’ll be sad, but definitely not mad. I think I played and completed a major role in my life though and if my child-bearing years have come to an end, so be it. I want to be healthy and strong so I can be there for my two kids for as long as I can be. I think that’s the only fear I have; leaving this world too soon and not be there for my kids.

I’m keeping busy, distracting myself, and being positive. It’s another stage of my life I have to climb over and I’m sure I will.