Dejected

I’m all for body positivity, love yourself, love your flaws, all that. Lately it’s been hard on me though. I want to say I’m happy with my body but truly I’m not. I don’t think I’m overweight but I do think I can be ‘fit’. I came to the realization that I gained weight when I tried to put on a dress I wore back in late 2019. I couldn’t buttoned my dress even if I tried, which I did. I thought the last time I wore this dress was tight and now I can’t even button it. I was upset and annoyed at myself. What happened?

I know 2020 was a rough year but I was still kinda active. I would occasionally go running until I started experiencing knee pain since I pushed myself too hard. I also got sick which further stopped me from working out. I started doing mini workouts at home. I even started roller skating early this year but lately I’ve stopped. It’s so frustrating because even though I know I’m being more active now and productive compared to last year and even 2 years ago, I’m heavier. Just these past two months I’ve gained 10 pounds.

I want to blame this on hormones or my monthly period but the sad fact is that I’m getting old. I do think age plays a big factor on how the body stores fat and loses it. That and I also think stress is a big deal as well.

I do feel that lately my mind has been all over the place. I can’t seem to focus and that stresses me out. It doesn’t help that I get moments of utter depression. I hate myself lately and I can’t seem to snap out of it.

Just yesterday I bought new bras because the old ones were uncomfortable and they weren’t covering my breast anymore. I’ve been a 34B cup for a long time and I was so close to buying the same size but in the end I had to accept I’m not a B cup anymore and I won’t be anytime soon. My breast look amazing in a 36C cup but I was still judging myself mentally. I’m hard on myself which there’s no reason to be.

I’m a mother of two wonderful kids and my body changed when I gave birth to them. I’m not ashamed of my stretch marks, I actually like them. The part I do beat myself up is the feeling of dissatisfaction when I look in the mirror. I don’t see anything wrong yet the feeling is there and I’m picking at myself trying to find the problem where in my body it’s coming from, if that makes sense. In all honestly, that feeling has been there since my teens and it comes and goes. I wasn’t even overweight back then yet I was so insecure.

If only I can shake away this nonsense and see everything is alright, nothing is wrong. No one is judging me and even if they are, why do they matter. The fact that my 17 year old mind is trying to take over my 32 year old pisses me off. Those were dark pessimistic times and I’m not going to put myself through that again. I’ve come a long way to accept the way I am.

I’ll end this on a positive note and say this moment will pass because it always does.

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